On the night of April 20th, I haven't been the most loyal and kindest of friends.

To two of my best friends, [Grey] ~TwilightBloodDragon, and my RL friend, [Nikki] ~Xenxanbel, I've treated them cruelly and unfairly. Now, Grey was purposely - semi/semi.

But I had no intention on hurting Nikki's feelings, getting her mad, or giving her any negative contact whatsoever (Besides my rants, she gets those full-on, and got used to them. lololololol k back to seriousness).
I can't sleep, and when I went upstairs after our conversation [Between all three of us], I started talking to myself in the mirror. "What did you do wrong Shantay? ... I wasn't a good friend. How, Shantay? I yelled at my pals. Why, Shantay? ... I don't know."

I'm not going to blame it on PMS. Seriously. I'm not. I'm not like those other girls, who use PMS as an excuse to be a bitch to everybody when they just feel like it, or if they just got a bad grade on a test at school. No. I'm not like that.

I'm not going to disclose the topic of our conversation, but when one of us [not saying who] mentioned something about it - thus triggering the entire conversation - I went balistic. I got "excited", and became.
Utterly.
Pissed.
Off.

I yelled at Grey, and was stupid enough to drag Nikki into our affairs [Not Desperate Housewives, stfu]. I really didn't want her to be there, but she has a therapist side to her, so I figured she mightv'e been able to find a resolve to this fight/debate/heatedconvo/whateveryouwanttocallit.

No. here are the things i acknowledge and admit and understand, and this was before the entire ordeal, and during.

a. I am a bitch.
b. I overreacted at times.
c. I am not a sympathetic person.
And by the way...


I don't need your pity. [seriously. I don't want anybody deciding to host me a pity party. keep that whiny shit to yourself. If you care or something, just give me a <3 or hug. that's all I need.]

What else... what else...

I wrote this to ventilate.

I don't consider myself a mean person. I don't LIKE to laugh at babies with no arms, or legs, or those mutations with the smushed-up faces. I don't laugh at people who are different [Let's not bring religion, race, or sexual orientation into this now, shall we? I don't want to fwcking talk about that.]

I don't like to BE a mean person. Nikki knows me irl, and she's one of my best and closest buddies. She knows I can't be as mad as her, SO in turn she beats the crap outta the eight-graders for me. Quee. back to topic.

I can't be mean. I mean... when everything stays there in that bottle, it cracks, and the top flies off. I explode. I release my frusteration in an odd way. I take it out on other people, or I just isolate myself completely. Not something I'm proud of.

I love my friends. I cherish them each and all equally, for each of them bring joy and bliss into my life. I wouldn't be anything without them. I don't think I hurt people often, and when I do... I don't know what to do.

I feel bad. I get a gulit trip.

But, again, I don't need your pity.

I wrote this poem to express my feelings. I might take it down after a few days, not caring how much attention this baby gets. I don't like to share my poems online. People can steal them.

Please... Please don't steal this poem. It means a lot to me.

It does.

Grey, I am sorry for hurting you. You've been such a good friend to me. I'm just angry. I'm angry at my parents for pressuring me about school, I'm angry at you about all of that drama [believe me, I had a lot of and you know when, plenty of times, too.], I'm angry at obnoxious people trying to ruin my life at school, and I'm angry at myself. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I had no right to treat you that way.

Nikki, I never meant to hurt you. I didn't even KNOW I had hurt you. I never WANTED to hurt you. I was only directing like... 99.99% of everything to Grey. You're a great friend, and I never, ever want to lose you. You should know that, after all of those times I keep forcing hugs on you, and clinging to your arm. yes, you know that's how i display my affection. :* But... I'm sorry.

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<sub>Rants and Comments about the entire poem, and the picture. Skip rant if you can't take my shit.</sub.>

Rant The thing that sets me off most is when people say I want attention. I fucking. Hate that. Like I said on Furc, I want to beat you with a fucking dead BABY if you say that to me. I NEVER want attention. I am NOT an attention whore, and if I was one? I would run around screaming I'm bisexual [not in means directed to any of my bi friends, just an example.] and want to get married right friggin' now because I'm oh-so-friggin'-damn-lonely. I don't want ATTENTION. All I need is to be around my family and friends and I'm happy. That's all I need. Hell, my friends are family to me. They fucking ARE.
You can't change that.
And I hate drama. I don't want to hear about who dumped who, and I don't want to know if you're pregnant and sad [because that's your own fucking fault], or if you're in a dilema about "love".

Teenagers do not fucking know what heartbreak is. I've told this to Grey, and I will not rephrase it word-by-word. They don't know what heartbreak is. At all. They THINK they know. Because after their first crush, everything tumbles down.

Reality Check: That happens to 99.9% of people. Don't rant about it trying to be special. [Again, not directed to anybody in specific.] First loves, regardless of how sweet it felt in the moment, die. They usually die. There's nothing you could do about it.

Teenagers, stop fucking your b/g friend. Seriously. "We used a condom! ;0" FUCK THAT. No. Fucking shit. I'm going to send Dumbo to fucking shit on your face, because I fucking KNOW you can be better than that; but you've reached an all-time low because Dumbo's fucking shit just got planted on top of your face.

Have some fucking self-respect. Die with dignity, not as the 17-year-old pregnant whore who had 12 boyfriends/girlfriends/whateverthefuckthatratwas before she was even LEGAL.

You know what? If your age, including mine, ends with "teen", don't expect a wonderful relationship. SERIOUSLY. I told Grey this, basically.

"You're sixteen-years-old, stop acting like a desperate 34-year-old. You're acting like you need a husband or wife before you even turn TWENTY."

</endrant>

About the Poem

Not much to say here. I was sad, so I needed to ventilate. Just please don't steal this.

It's one of my best.

</EndThat>


Now... sleep.

btw ignore the category ._.</sub>